Better Than Nothing (I Hope)

Just in case anyone noticed, I haven't posted much lately. Not only have I, and several members of my family, been sick (we are all on antibiotics now) but I have been suffering from something much, much worse. Blogger Block. The alliteration makes it sound cute, but believe me, it is a very serious condition! It isn't that I had no ideas, it's that I had a lot of little dumb ones. So in place of a quality post, I am going to post a few of the dumb ideas that I had. Lucky you!



First of all, you may have noticed that I have posted our first video! Ta Da! For those of you who wanted to see the mohawk that "number one son" sported for a week or so, here it is. The video is short but noisy, so turn down the volume. It's just airport noise, nothing important. The hair had a bed head look because we were in the middle of a very long layover between two very long flights, but, it is a good view of the whole thing. Ignore the aviators. Seriously, why do guys think girls are impressed by aviators?

The second idea was about India's new coins. India has started printing one and two Rupee coins with hands printed on them to show their worth. I can't decide if this is for the illiterate, or if, like everything else being done in India, it is in preparation for the Commonwealth Games that India is hosting in 2010. I didn't ever think about the fact that languages with a different alphabet than ours might also use a different number system. How eurocentric am I? Anyway, this was the best picture I could get, which is one of the reasons I didn't do a post about this.

Idea number three was concerning our neighbor's construction. About a month after we moved in our neighbor decided to tear down the existing house and build flats instead. Construction in India is a very different thing than I am used to seeing in the US. (Duh.) There are no electric or power tools of any kind. None. All ladders and scaffolding are made from bamboo poles. Some of the workers live on-site and it takes for ever. First came the demolition. They soaked every thing down with water to soften the the cement, then hammered and chiseled for months. I am not kidding. Unfortunately our wall is touching their wall, so our wall has been soaked down continually for almost a year. Doesn't that seem like a bad thing? When I mentioned this to the office they made sure that the neighbor was going to pay for repainting when the construction was done. It seems to me that there might be a larger issue here, but apparently not. The best part is the constant sound of hammering. It is much better now that they are constructing rather than demolishing, but what are we going to do when they are done? How will we know that we are home if we can't hear someone hammering on the other side of our wall? How will we sleep without the insomniac construction worker lulling us to sleep with the song of his hammer?

Last but not least (because let's face it the three previous ideas were pretty lame so how could this one possibly be "least") on February 1, 2008 we hit our one year mark. Theoretically we only have two more to go. I can totally do this two more times! I might even enjoy myself, but don't tell anyone, contentment is very unfunny and therefore very un-blog-worthy.

So, have you been dazzled by the video, pictures and link all in one post? No? Fine. Starting right now I am doing some serious brain storming to come up with something good for next week. Be ready to laugh and cry and learn something awesome.

Never Judge A Book By Her Tone Of Voice

When we first moved to India I met a woman who, like me, had left her homeland to come live in India for a while. She was very kind to me but I noticed that when she spoke to Indians she often used a harsher, no nonsense tone of voice. To my ear it sounded mean and bossy. I decided that this woman had been here too long and needed to go back to her country if she could no longer be civil to the people who lived here. I vowed to not let myself become jaded and bitter like she obviously was.

What a difference a year makes. I realize now that she wasn't rude or jaded. Her problem was that she was a woman. Please don't misunderstand me. I recognise that there are sexist attitudes everywhere, and in some ways India is doing better than a lot of places. For instance, in July a woman took over the office of President. Indira Gandhi was the Prime Minister for 11 years starting in 1966 and for 4 more years starting in 1980. Women are educated and expected to have a career. Of course there are certain groups here that have terrible views and traditions concerning women, but the areas that I frequent have a fairly modern view.

Unless you want something done. When it comes to giving instructions or asking for a service of some kind, you had better be a man. If you are competing with men for the attention of a shop keeper you might as well get comfortable. If you happen to have a man standing next to you while you are making a request they will look to the man for confirmation. Even if that man is your 16 year old son. I find this extremely irritating. Surely if they new anything about my 16 year old son they would realize that he is the last person anyone should take instructions from. At a party earlier this month he allowed some pretty girls to give him a burgundy mohawk. He believes that shoving the entire contents of his bedroom into his closet constitutes cleaning it. He begged for a month for the DVD of Napoleon Dynamite. Napoleon Dynamite people! After eating a meal on the couch he believes that sliding the dirty plate under the couch is the right thing to do. Once he opened the freezer door while standing too close and smacked himself in the head with it. Then he came over to where Mr. Smith and I were sitting and, while demonstrating what had just happened, he banged his head on the corner of the wall. Not the brightest bulb in the marquee, if you know what I mean. But apparently he is the authority.

In response to this, my naturally sissy-ish attitude has begun to dissolve. I recently I found myself being rude to the dry cleaner. I was demanding, sarcastic and a tiny bit shrill. I sounded just like the woman I mentioned at the beginning of this post. At first I was a little embarrassed and ashamed. The next day when the clothes that had been promised to us finally arrived...I was downright proud of myself.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jog!

It has been a while since my last posting, so let's summarize, shall we? American stores are awesome, Disneyland is indeed the happiest place on earth, our families are well, so many people to visit - so little time, the holiday's were merry, everyone got sick so we stayed three extra days, packing after Christmas was a chore, farewell sweet root beer, 7 hours in an airport is too long - way too long, and finally...oh man is good to be home! That's right, after a year of complaining I was actually relieved to get here.

Don't get me wrong, I will happily move back to the US after our time is up, but, for now at least, this is home. When we stepped off the plane, I waited for the smell of India to hit me. I was braced for it. But you know what? It wasn't the terrible smell that I remembered it being. It was just familiar. Comforting even. The sights and sounds of the city as we drove home were welcoming instead of depressing. Now if someone would just unpack for me. Blech!

I am very grateful to India for giving me 3 days to deal with jet lag before having a little fun at my expense. This morning we had several power surges that were very entertaining. Lights buzzing at maximum brightness, popping sounds all over, bulbs going out and everyone generally fearing for their lives. My favorite, though, was was the gate bell.

We have a bell at our gate. Visitors can choose between two buttons. The first sounds like a bell and activates the intercom. The second sounds like a bird chirping and just works as a doorbell. For some reason, one of the power surges started the electronic bird chirping. At first it was soft and slow. Then the chirping started getting faster and louder. Nothing we did would stop it. Not even unplugging the intercom box. You can only listen to a hyper active bird chirping for so long before you start to have violent thoughts. That, combined with the frequent and freaky power surges, had us turning off the power to the house this morning for about an hour. After an hour I knew the electrician would be showing up soon so I turned it back on so he could see what was going on. Can anyone guess what I am going to say next? Everything had stopped. No surges, no chirping, nothing.

Don't you just love it when you look like an idiot? I explained everything to the electrician and he looked around to be nice. Soon he was packing up to leave and I felt like a fool. Fortunately, just as he was about to leave, there was a rush of power and the chirping started again. Thank goodness. He looked very perplexed and started taking the intercom apart. About 30 minutes later he informed me that he had fixed the problem and all was well. This is almost never true, but the bird was silent, so, I was too.

Then, with comic timing worthy of Monty Python, the sound of the the door closing behind the departing electrician was met with the sound of the bird chirping. Again. Even as I type, the little bird is singing to me. He's taunting me. He sings, "All chirping and no quiet makes Amy go crazy!" But I'll get him yet. I know where Uday keeps the wire cutters and I'm not afraid to use them. Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp *snip*.....ahhhhh.

Vacation Observations

Being back in the US for a few weeks is interesting. I see things differently.

First of all, Wal-mart is totally and completely forgiven for being an evil empire. I know I know, they put people out of business and they are terrible to their employees and their customer service skills leave something to be desired, but have you seen how clean and organized it is in there? There is so much space in there and there are soooo many products to choose from and I can actually return something if I don't like it. No haggling, no emotional blackmail just a shelf full of stuff and price stickers. Beeeea-utiful.

Disney is also forgiven for being an evil empire despite the fact that a large chunk of our vacation money now sits in the Disney wallet. We spent 3 days at Disneyland and not one person asked to take pictures with our kids. You may be mentally pointing out to me that we were Americans in America, so who would want our picture, right? Well nobody was asking any nationality for their pictures. There is something to be said for being in a place where people are largely self absorbed. I also noticed that the lines were orderly and every one stood in them politely (lines generally don't exist in India).

Next on the list, traffic. I just love how people drive in one lane at a time. They use their blinkers a lot more than they use their horns and by and large there are no cattle on the big roads. And guess what people do at the red lights? They stop! It is so cool! I am aware that there are those who break all of the rules, but honestly, it is so much better.

Have I mentioned how lovely America smells? Even LA seemed like clean fresh air to us. Scary, huh?

Of course not all the observations are favorable. America could stand to lose some weight. There are the really fat (I am one of those) and then there are the people that I used to consider thin. Even they could stand to lose 20 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I don't want everyone to be as skinny as your average Indian, but I am surprised at how "well padded" most Americans are. I now believe all the statistics I used to roll my eyes at about how many Americans are overweight.

I remember now why we were always flat broke. Everything is so expensive here! Honestly, I am afraid for when we return in 2010. I forgot just how much it costs to feed 9 people in the US. Two income families have very little to do with equality and a lot more to do with necessity.

I am most surprised by how little I am enjoying the food that I have been looking forward to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my first Quarter-Pounder with Cheese an awful lot, but I grew tired of it all very quickly. The one exception has been the root beer. I love root beer. I have been drinking so much root beer I am going to have brown eyes soon. I probably smell like root beer. That stain on my shirt? Root beer. Why, oh why, doesn't India have root beer. They have satellite TV, surely they could work out root beer!

Being here has made me ask myself two interesting questions: 1. How on Earth am I going to make it two more years? 2. Is it time to go home to Noida yet? Vacation is wearing me out!

Half Way Around The World In 80 Hours

Despite 2 weeks of planning, I was still packing three hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport. I think someone should invent disposable clothes for your family to wear while you do vacation laundry. Seriously, how are you supposed to wash and pack your family's clothes when they insist on wearing them? Then there is the constant debate over what gets packed and what gets left behind. No you may not bring 5 stuffed animals. Yes you must pack clean underwear. No we are not packing your remote control car. Yes you can bring a book, no not all 7 Harry Potter books. No electric guitars. What do you mean your dad already said yes? If your dad said yes, then why are you asking me? Are you toying with me? I could snap at any moment you know...

Finally we were packed and we even had time for one hour of sleep before it was time to go. At 2am we piled in to 2 vans and hit the road. By 3:15 we were in line waiting to have our luggage x-rayed. Behind us was probably the drunkest man I have ever seen. He was weepy and kept apologising for something. I was thinking, Is he apologising because he is going to kill us all and his conscience is bothering him? I was saying, "Don't be nervous, he is just sad about leaving his family. I am sure he is a nice man who is just sad." Thinking, Please don't kill us! Here is where I would like to thank the wise and watchful people at British Airways for not letting that man fly. Although he would have had plenty of time to sober up.

After waiting a couple of hours it was time to board the plane. I was very excited that we were only about 20 minutes late. We got all 9 of us in our seats and all of our carry on luggage stowed in an overhead compartment or under the seat in front of us and waited for take off. And waited...and waited...getting a picture here? We sat on the runway for four and a half hours! Not a good beginning. Luckily we were able to make up an hour and a half in the air, unfortunately, we still missed our connecting flight to Phoenix by about an hour and a half. Here is where I would like to ask British Airways why they choose to fill a plane with passengers and then begin the repairs that are necessary in order for the plane to fly.

After many wrong turns we managed to find our way through Heathrow Airport and make it to the hotel that we were put in for our unexpected stay in London. The next morning we went back to the airport, back through security (where 3 of my daughters set off the metal detectors and had to be searched for the 3rd time) and back on to the plane. 9 hours later we finally landed in Phoenix and even found our luggage waiting for us. Yeah! Then we had to go through customs. Boo! They asked us if we had any seeds or plants and we told the truth. Sometimes it is annoying being an honest person. I had planned just which seeds to bring back for a family member's garden and felt like crying as I watched the customs guy toss them into a box as he explained that the law had recently changed and that I had to get a certificate from the Embassy in Delhi in order to bring the seeds into the country. Sure the law changed, he just wanted my seeds. I bet he is laughing it up right now as he plants his red carrots and his musk melons. Hmph! I am on to him!

Before you feel too bad for me, one step into the clean, orderly spacious neighborhood Super Wal-Mart made the whole ordeal fade away. "Oh-oh say, can you see..."

Dinner & A Movie

The makings for my favorite date night.

Everyone in our family is looking forward to different foods when we are back in the US for our vacation. But I was thinking, why not throw in some movies and make it complete? I mean dinner by itself is just Wednesday night, but dinner and a movie is a party, right? Don't get me wrong, we have enjoyed watching some Bollywood films. But I am so excited to see American films again, I can hardly stand it. The problem is, I have no idea what movies I have missed.

So, you tell me what I should see. What DVDs have come out since January that I need to rent? What movies shall I make Mr. Smith take me to see in the theater? What DVDs should I buy? My only requests are these: Nothing racier than PG-13 and they must have a happy ending. And none of this "they're not together anymore, but they are better off and stronger" crap! I want Happy Endings! I know this is shallow, and I am sure that I will miss seeing some great films, but I only have three weeks. Here is a general guideline:

Loved The Notebook - Hated Titanic
Loved Somewhere In Time (I know, I'm old) - Hated Titanic
Loved Notting Hill - Hated The Break Up
Loved The Wedding Singer - Hated Little Nicky
Loved Ever After - Hated Never Been Kissed
Loved Tommy Boy - Hated Hated Hated Napoleon Dynamite

In general I also like feel good sports movies and pretty much anything with Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) in it. Please don't mock me. Have you seen him?

Oh yeah, since I do have a husband and some kids you can also include movies that they might like. I want lots of suggestions, so if you read this post, you had better leave a comment with a recommendation! (You can stay anonymous if you must. Big chicken.)

Short, Sweet and Superstitious

***************Mr. Smith is normally a hard working, level headed man who is blessed with a good sense of humor. Once in a while though, his superstitious side crops up. For the first several years of our marriage Mr. Smith was convinced that the birthmark on the inside of his right knee was in the shape of Africa. He liked this thought because he served his mission in South Africa. In the last few years, however, he has decided that it is actually shaped like India. This really tickles his fancy (for obvious reasons) and is often brought up in conversation. I must admit that the resemblance to India is definitely stronger than Africa. It does become a little annoying though, when I feel like complaining about India or being homesick and Mr. Smith smugly points to his knee as if to say (use big ominous voice) "Do not argue with The Birthmark!" But, generally speaking, it is cute and endearing. Since nothing interesting happened this week I thought I would share this with you.

P.S. In the interest of preserving my current state of marital bliss I would like to point out that the adjective "Short" in the title of this post should be applied to the length of this post and not to Mr. Smith who is 6 feet tall. Clearly nobody would ever refer to him as short, although sweet and superstitious are certainly applicable. Thank you.